Tuesday, 20th June 2023.
Surreal was the wrong word. Insanity is closer, but still not right.
The humidity. The comedown. The thoughts…….!? Yep. Insanity.
I couldn’t wake up. We didn’t leave the house until gone 9am. We didn’t arrive in Hatton Garden until 11. We sweated our way through the tedious task, then arrived back home at 2pm. We listened to the first 2 Supergrass albums, back to back, on the eay home. My boss has gone to Mexico for 2 weeks.
I really feel like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now! About 3/4 way through. The deeper into the jungle I get, the madder it gets. Punctuated with pretence of normality that I’m faking.
Am I coming across insane to those I interact with(at work, etc..), or do they know?
I am trying for normality. I shaved my head/face, and I’m descaling the kettle……?…..descaling….kettle? Meaning? I’m unsure at this point.
It’s no better. I’ve shaved. Proper shaved. I’ve moisturised(is that how it’s spelt?). I’ve done everything I can to feel more human.
It’s not working.
Downers. I need Downers! Whisky is the king.
I managed to make a chilli. Did I say that already?.. .. .
Fuck. Fuckity fuck!
I remember a dream. Under a willow tree, I could hear the river passing by. Summer dress. Incandescent. Nowhere I’d rather be.
I felt emotion. All I ever wanted.
All I ever wanted…………..
I’ve managed mediocre goals.
My bathroom now smells like a bathroom when you are on holiday.
I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but it smells clean. Like happiness?
I don’t know. Life is throwing me curve balls.
My boy just rung(Kai). Just a couple of minutes. It means the world.
As a rule, I fucking hate people. No one has ever compared to the friends I had(Jesus, it’s like a dialogue from Stand By me!). People are cunts. I used to think I was a narcissist. I’m not. I’m too kind. I want the world to be a better place. It won’t be though. Do you know why?
BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE CUNTS!
20:09
I’m in bed now. I did the proper shave. I feel weird. Young, but old.
RIGHT!
Tomorrow, I get up at proper going to work time. Do a good day’s work. I do what I’m supposed to do…………I do, what I’m supposed to do.
Wednesday, 21st June 2023.
“Weird scenes inside the Goldmine.“
I was thrown a curve ball by text this morning, making me question everything. By 08:30 it had dissolved. Now I feel lost.
Time for coffee. Legal amphetamine.
12:11
All is calm again. Just generally, not in my brain. It’s never calm in there. I’m still not sure if stuff is really happening, or it’s a dream, or it’s something else?
19:21
The journey home was long and tedious.they shut The Mall, and the road to Pall Mall off Trafalgar. We were diverted all the way round to Shaftesbury Avenue.
We ended up back on Pall Mall 100m from where we were diverted. It took 45 minutes!
The brain is still living its flights of fancy. Daydreams…, or daymares? Painful living. I hope,…..I hoped. No happiness for Marky P. It’s not in my spectrum. Just misunderstood affection or being attracted to the unobtainable.
You hear the shit I’m shovelling?
Sleep now. Or at least the pretence.
Eyes closed.
Thursday, 22nd June 2023.
I’m on a train today. I couldn’t face another journey like yesterday. Plus, I have to be home by 1pm as I have the gas safety man coming to check my boiler. It’s a yearly thing.
I wouldn’t bother but I have a meeting at 10am.
The week has been long. Felt long. With too much tiredness and angst. I’m working on Saturday, so it won’t be over yet.
10:17
Friday, 23rd June 2023.
It wasn’t a long day, but it had a lot of different moments. First, I drive to Monument. Parked up, thinking I had an hour in a single yellow before I’d get a ticket…..No! City of London. Immediate ticket. 65 quid. I achieved what I wanted, then headed for High Wycombe. An hour and a half later, I arrived. Collected the materials I needed to achieve a job on Monday, then headed to my parents.
My dad wasn’t in. He had fucked off to the allotment. I’d only gone over to put his old fridge in the car. If I didn’t, he’d have attempted it himself. I put it in the van instead and went to the allotment. I found him and got it into his car.
With all this, I arrived home around lunchtime. I’m still working tomorrow, so I wanted to get some chores out the way.
I cleaned the bathroom.