Monday, 1st May 2023.
Unresolved.
I feel everything is unresolved. There need to be closure, for everything.
I don’t want to regret dying.
Yeah. You guessed it. That’s how I’m feeling today. One of them moods.
15:31
I’ve been out to collect the van. Someone had jack-knifed their truck across the M25. Poor fucker!
It was so bad that they made people turn around, drive the wrong way, back to the previous junction.
It was all cleared by the time I went home. I loitered around Flackwell. Helped my Guv drop some old kitchen surfaces round to a neighbour, and made him fill the van up. All the time, feeling absolutely broken.
Here we go,
I’m coming down again,
I don’t know if I’ll ever stand the pain.
I think I’m hungry. Gavin and Stacey is on tv.
I’ve got the fear.
21:56
I’m back where I started. Not seeing the point. The endless…….? Ahh fuck it! No one cares. Do they?
NO FUCKING ONE!
Tuesday, 2nd May 2023.
Return to hell. Otherwise known as Southampton Buildings. I need to get out of here as quick as possible.
Wednesday, 3rd May 2023.
I woke this morning in a crisis.
I dropped L-Bobs at the station at 6am, then came home, as I didn’t need to leave until 07:30. That didn’t work out.
I finally left the house at 09:30 after a series of lucid dreams that:
A. I didn’t want to leave, or
B. Scared the shit out of me.
I didn’t calm down until I stopped at Cobham services. I needed coffee.
My only task of the day was to replace a couple of data cables with HDMI’s in Gatwick.
It went without issue.
The 45 minute journey home became a 2 hour trip home after a huge crash on the M25. Yep! My luck.
I still don’t feel right. Saying that, I haven’t felt right in weeks. Everything seems surreal. I’m struggling to see the difference between reality and dreamland.
The drugs and alcohol aren’t helping, but I can’t seem to function without either.
I see a crash coming. I consumed by the past, but longing for the future……
Will the torture ever end?
It’s time to sleep again. My only solice(or is it?).
I made dinner. Made lunches for tomorrow. Wiped down the worktop.
I’m functioning.
Thursday, 4th May 2023.
I’m in Leicester. Fuck knows why, I just am. Alright. I’m with the Guv doing a tidy for a team we hired to do a job for us.
21:52
It was a horribly long day, with little to show for it. 4 hours driving, 8 hours working………
I word from a muse, a quart of Irish and beans on toast. I’m tired now. I hope I dream beauty. I hope.
Friday, 5th May 2023.
I didn’t have to get up until 7.30. It was a lay-in.
22:47
It’s been a funny day all round. Partly in Slough. The rest at home. Consumed with AI rendering and spraying guitar effect pedal cases(well,..1 case!)
The funds may have gotten to me because I feel, unnervingly jolly?
Roll on misery!