A stopped clock tells the right time twice a day.
Thursday, 26th April 2023.
I’m falling deeper down the rabbit hole. I’m clinging on to the roots for dear life. I’ll hold on as long as I can, but reality is slipping away.
I play the game, I go to work,I earn the money, I clean the clothes, then apologise. I make the dinner, I smile and comply, then apologise……and apologise.
“Sorry. Can I ask you to move so I can do my job?”
It’s like I begged them to be here.
YOU ASKED ME MOTHERFUCKER!
Calm. Keep calm. Be subservient. Do the things you’re supposed to.
Heart shaped bruises,
And late night kisses,
Divine.
I’ll get through this. Just another day. Just another day to play the pantomime.
Friday, 28th April 2023
“What’s your exit plan?”
“Exit plan? EXIT PLAN!? My fucking exit plan is dying, you prick!”
Ha!
I’m alright really. Life’s a jip, right?
I know the rules. The whole thing is a big con, and I CAN laugh at it. Honestly.
I feel pretty good today. I’m travelling into town to do a little job at Bethesda. A bunch of lovely nerds, who do fuck all, all day….
10:06
The job took 10 minutes.
I feel calm. Almost relaxed. I’m going to collect my car from High Wycombe, then home.
Three days to enjoy. I hope I do enjoy. I’m gonna try,……not to think too much, drink too much. Will there be sun? I hope so. I need the vitamin D boost. Feel the warmth.
23:33
One day, I’m gonna meet Sam Smith, and I’m gonna punch that cunt in the throat! Stupid fucknut!
Saturday, 29th April 2023.
Ups and downs, downs, and ups. I got rest. That’s always important. I also got food(fuck all for 80 quid!)
Sunday, 30th April 2023
I didn’t leave my pit until it was gone 11am. I got up promptly and visited the parents. Sunday obligations.
I talked to my ex for an hour. We put the world to rights. The world? Fucking hell,what a state! I don’t know what’s going on. Everything seems so…………..wrong? I don’t know why. Can’t you feel it? No matter who you are. Somewhere in the back of your brain. Something isn’t right, right?
I’ve made a chilli. It’s stewing right now. It smells good. It smells like home.
Such a beautiful song.
