Wednesday, 26th April 2023.
I’ve had some good times, don’t get me wrong, but was it worth it?
I dunno.
I think that’s the problem. I, just, don’t know?
I’ve been having a bit of a reminisce.
Pushing the sofa against the living room door so we wouldn’t get caught.
Laying on Damz’s floating bed or touching your legs in The Beehive living room.
Kissing you on the steps of a static caravan, as the sun comes up, after a crazy night in a 2CV.
Taking you home, in your green skirt and jacket.
Kissing you and looking into your eyes, deep in the grass in Bushey Park.
Acid on the train to see you every weekend.
Rushing to your house after you had drop me off because I wanted more.
Kissing your neck as we sung the words to “Babies” by Pulp…….
All these things, and a thousand more. I’m lonely now. Old. Broken.
I wouldn’t want me. I don’t want to see me. I’m ugly. Undigestable. Rotten……
Ooooo! The fucking drama! I remember. I’m not allowed emotion. I can’t remember the last time I cried? It’s probably the pills. Suppressing. Hiding it all deep down. Never to resurface. At least until it’s too late.
Just keep taking the pills. Drink yourself to oblivion. No one will notice. No one will care, until its too late.
Just remember, all of you. I loved you all. I just wanted the love back, but my inevitable lack of timing fucked it every time. I’d give my liver to feel it again. I really would….
But it is all years ago now. You all got on with it, whilst I lament the past.
Christ! How did I get here? How did this all come to pass? I know the blame is on me. Don’t get me wrong. I just can’t see the mistakes? I’m blinded by my own self-pity and self-loathing.
You fool! You sad, old fool…
I hope it’s all over soon. I really do. The struggle is unbearable.